It's not that I did anything terribly wrong, well at the time I didn't think it was all that wrong anyway.
I guess I should explain myself. I was at Uni. My first year. I was enjoying it with a few friends who I had made. Mostly girls. I kept away from the boys as much as possible. I didn't want to form any relationships of that kind at uni. I felt I was still too young at 18, even though a lot of people around me were trying their hardest to be in "relationships of that kind".
One of my girl friends started up some friendships with a few guys and I tagged along in the background, not really sure, not trusting. That was another reason I didn't want to be friends with guys. I didn't trust them.
Gradually, as time went on one of the guys seemed to take an interest in me, well that's what my friends told me anyway, I guess I found that it was kind of nice and I went along with it hesitantly. After a while I started hanging out with him and his friends a lot more.
At this point I'd like to add that only after reading some old text messages have I had any recollection of what I'm about to say. It may not sound all that bad to you, but to me it is.
It seems that as I started hanging out with these guys, they started messaging me more frequently, individually. Not to sound full of myself, because I'm not, but I think after all this time has past I have a better understanding of guys and of relationships between males and females, and I have come to the conclusion that each of them probably had liked me at some point, if not all at the same time.
Obviously I was quite unaware of this and took it all for granted and hung out with them like I would my girl friends, which to them meant I wanted more than a friendship. From my point of view at the time, they never even suggested anything else to me than that of friendship. After reading the old text messages sent to me during this time would suggest otherwise.
I strung them along for months. Until they got sick of it and bolted without explanation. I had no clue what was the matter with them. Why had they all of a sudden abandoned me? Did I say or do something wrong? I really didn't know. I almost cried myself to sleep for many nights, wondering what I had done. After that I went into the 'I hate you' phase, where I unconsciously glared at them in the cafeteria and did my best to ignore them whenever I came across them.
What I wasn't aware of until now was that it was partly if not mostly my fault that they weren't wanting to talk or hang out with me any more. I had sent them so called 'signals' to suggest I wanted more than just friendship, and in some cases and on some occasions maybe I did, but I was a scared naive girl and was so mixed up with my emotions that I hadn't taken in to consideration their feelings.
Right now, after typing this all out, I sit and wonder why the memories haunt me. Perhaps it's because I have never asked for forgiveness. Perhaps it's because they have never asked for mine, or given me explanations for their actions leaving me to torture my self over it.
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